Emotional security: What it is and why it matters
If you’re interested in wellbeing, you may have heard chatter about learning to live in ‘secure mode’. You may already be wondering how to build emotional security. But what actually is emotional security, why is it important, and how can we get more of it? Let’s break it down.
What is emotional security?
When we first hear the term ‘emotional security’, we might assume that it comes solely from the self. After all, in the 21st century West, it is popular to talk about happiness coming from within, or to say that the ‘most important relationship you have is with yourself.’
But in psychology, the concept of emotional security has grown out of attachment theory. Attachment theory focuses on the quality of parent-child bonds and the resulting ‘attachment styles’ (e.g. anxious, avoidant, secure, or disorganised) that develop in the child – who then becomes an adult with relationships or lack thereof. Attachment styles are simply points along a spectrum rather than fixed categories, and most of us sit somewhere between them.
Emotional security theory broadens the focus to our wider interpersonal bonds and how they may foster a sense of security in us (or not).
Emotional security is innately tied to our sense of connection with others. You can think of it as the solid, internalised sense that you are loved, appreciated and secure in your significant relationships.
For people who enjoyed secure attachments with their childhood caregivers, emotional security may come easier. Others may need to strive more conscientiously for it. These patterns are not fixed for life. They can and do shift over time through repeated experiences of safe, reliable relationships, through corrective emotional experiences, and through therapeutic work.
In any case, for a happy, healthy life, it’s important to know how to build emotional security.
To find out why it’s so essential, it’s helpful to look at the evolutionary basis for emotional security.
The evolutionary basis of emotional security
For all species, physical safety is the strongest instinct and trumps every concern. And we humans evolved as a deeply social species. Our magnificent ability to form bonds and cooperate with others is what has enabled us – as relatively physically defenceless creatures (no claws, no sharp teeth, comparatively slow runners and completely defenceless in early childhood) – to rise miraculously to the top of the food chain.
Throughout most of our evolutionary history, we lived and hunted in tribes. The tribe enabled food and physical safety. Being a ‘loner’ was simply impossible. This evolutionary history left a profound mark on our brains and bodies that still governs us to this day, no matter how technologically advanced modern society has become.
In plain terms, we were not made to be disconnected from others. We were made to be physically close and profoundly connected to others – that is human nature.
To stay close, cooperative and connected, to live and work with others for our entire lives, human emotions developed as sensors to monitor how well cooperation was working. Emotions evolved as a means for our survival. Not only as means to tell us ‘watch out for that woolly mammoth’ but also to sound the alarm if for example a member of the tribe was angry with you and you were at risk of being cast out. Because to be cast out of the tribe meant death.
For humans, emotional security is closely connected to our sense of physical survival, although the picture is more complex than this. This is our evolutionary nature, our wiring, and we can’t outrun it, no matter how technologically advanced our societies become.
This truth is evident when we look at the physical effects of emotional security.
The benefits of emotional security
Emotional security is health-promoting. For example, expansive research has shown that people with high quality social relationships enjoy a 50% increased likelihood for survival – this figure held across sex, age, initial health status, and cause of death.
It’s not hard to see why, when we look at the physiological effects of being around people we feel secure with. For example, research has shown that securely attached couples experience lower stress levels in the presence of their partners. And people with strong social support tend to experience less physical pain.
Dimitrios Kouklakis, Integrative Counsellor & CBT Psychotherapist says: “If we’re emotionally secure we’re most likely operating primarily in the ‘rest and digest’ mode, governed by the parasympathetic nervous system.
“On the other hand, if you don’t feel emotionally secure – if you feel rejected, lonely, ridiculed or belittled – your sympathetic nervous system stress response (fight or flight) is activated. Your heart rate goes up, stress hormone levels rise, and blood pressure increases. The stress response varies from person to person and between situations. It can also include freezing, shutdown or disassociation, avoidance, fawning or appeasement.
“In fact, brain imaging studies have demonstrated that social rejection activates a number of the same brain regions that are stimulated during physical pain. Yes, social rejection and isolation ‘hurts’.”
Research has also indicated that those who have people in their lives who offer them supportive listening are more resilient to cognitive decline.
And the effects are broader than physical and mental health. Studies show that people with secure attachments are more likely to enjoy confidence in career decision-making and greater life satisfaction.
For long-term health and wellbeing, we need to be in ‘rest and digest’ mode as much as possible. To live primarily in ‘rest and digest’, we need to know how to build emotional security.
The connection between emotional security and depression and anxiety
Emotional security helps to foster resilience. Research has found that people with insecure attachment styles – people who are less emotionally secure – tend to experience more trouble with emotional regulation, which could play a role in greater vulnerability to depression and anxiety.
But how do we learn how to build emotional security? If childhood is so important, what do we do when we’re adults – particularly if our parental relationships were insecure?
Developing emotional security in 8 simple ways
Yes, the concept of emotional security is primarily about connection with others. But that doesn’t mean we are wholly dependent on others to help us build it. And it doesn’t mean that if we had insecure relationships with our parents, we’re doomed never to enjoy emotional security.
On the question of how to build emotional security, we can focus less on what we lack and more on what is in our control. We can build emotional security in the following key ways:
- Do an inventory of your relationships
Which relationships are secure and which ones are not? Which relationships make you feel safe, validated and seen? Are there any relationships in which you feel insecure, ignored or misunderstood? Categorise this on paper. - Prioritise secure relationships; give less time and energy to insecure relationships
Time and energy are not limitless. So once you’ve done an inventory of your relationships, act accordingly. Give more time and energy to secure relationships, and deprioritise insecure ones. This will foster a sense of security and wellbeing within you. - Show up for others
We need to give what we want to receive. It’s not enough for us to expect consistency, support and validation from others, we also need to give it to them. Once you have taken an inventory of your relationships and identified your ‘tribe’, it’s important to try to show up for them. - Do small talk
Small talk gets a bad rap. ‘I don’t do small talk!’ you may say. Well, start doing it! Research has shown that ‘chit chat’ fosters a sense of psychological safety in people. So say hello to that neighbour, remark on the weather to the postman, ask the check-out assistant how their day was. It’s not pointless – it builds a sense of wellbeing and security. That being said, it won’t suit everyone. If you live with social anxiety, are autistic or otherwise neurodivergent, or have a history of trauma, casual social contact can feel draining rather than steadying. The good news is that there is no harm in building security in other ways instead. - Do some ‘security priming’
‘What on earth is security priming?’
Security priming is a method you can apply to foster your sense of love, comfort and security – by using cues that stimulate mental representations of support. For example, through having photos of loved ones on your screensaver, or wearing jewellery gifted by a close friend. It sounds too simple to be true, but research shows security priming is effective. - Consider getting a pet
Research has shown that pets can help to foster psychological wellbeing, even alleviating depression and anxiety. For many people, their pet is a key secure attachment relationship, providing comfort, warmth and feelings of safety. - Build your inner toolkit
Emotional security is not built solely through relationships. Skills such as emotional regulation, self-compassion, distress tolerance and self-awareness come from within. These skills are well established in the clinical literature as contributors to emotional security, and all of them can be practised and strengthened. Noticing what you feel and why, offering yourself the warmth you would offer a friend, and learning to sit with discomfort rather than react to it can all help to steady you from the inside. - Get therapy if it could be beneficial to you
Fostering emotional security is a key component of effective therapy. All good therapists seek to promote a sense of psychological safety in their relationships with clients. For many people, particularly those who have experienced significant adverse childhood experiences, an effective therapeutic relationship can serve as a ‘secure base’ from which to build greater emotional security. Therapy can help you recognise your own attachment patterns, identify the situations and emotions that trigger them, and practise responding in safer, more flexible ways. Over time, this can help build a more secure internal working model.
Here at The London Psychiatry Centre, we take a ‘whole person’ approach to mental wellbeing. As highly experienced therapists, psychiatrists and coaches, we have decades of expertise in helping clients to successfully foster emotional security, and thrive.
Make an appointment by calling 020 7580 4224 or email info@psychiatrycentre.co.uk
